Ahhh, Lohan - where do I even start with you? You have pleasantly sized shock absorbers that makes having sex with a werewolf like me very easy. I’d like to go on record and say that I know for a fact Lindsay’s a shapeshifter. How do I know? Easy. Who do you think turned her into one? Yep, me. Here’s how it went down…

While in Vegas, I was out with some of my Lycan homeboys doing what we do best: howling at the moon and killing hookers. Anyway, one thing lead to another and I was introduced to Lohan via a mutual acquaitance. We began some small talk and it seemed like she really liked me. I say this because she was grabbing my crotch the whole time we spoke.

Next morning, impressed with myself, I ask her, “So, how was your first encounter with a werewolf?” To which she responds, “I’m a unicorn, so I’m really not one to talk.”

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I’d really like to sink my teeth into Jessica Simpson’s intermammary cleft. Had it not been for the fact that my mandible fell out trying to chew my way through a door to get to some poor hopeless soul in a back alley a few nights ago, I’d have myself a grand old time with those fleshy-charms. Oh, right, hi, I’m a sexually frustrated zombie. No seriously, a real one. And I just happen to like celebrity gossip. (I zimagine her brains must taste like egg yogurt.)

Knowing full well that they don’t want to be labelled as (respectively) the Jewish and fat versions of Isaiah Washington, IMDb reports that the stars of I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry are screening their film for GLAAD and other prominent American gay rights groups.  Kevin James said of the screenings:

“We screened it for GLAAD because we certainly didn’t want to offend anybody in any way. The main reason of this movie is really just to make people laugh and that’s all we wanted to do. When you pick a subject like this, you’re honestly gonna have to walk that line and you want to show what it’s like out there. These guys are idiots in a way. They learn tolerance, what it’s about, and what happens when they have to pretend to be this way. That’s basically it, but we’re certainly not trying to tell people how to live their lives in any way, shape, or form. We are just basically hoping people will go and laugh and have a good time with it without making light of the subject itself.”

Sounds great, save for one problem: the movie doesn’t look remotely goddamn funny. I swear to God, if I see another “oh no, it’s a fat guy’s underwear and not a _________” joke I’m going to punch someone in the dick. Planes, Trains, and Automobiles should have been the last movie to make that joke, ever.

IMDb reports that Isaiah Washington will have a guest role in one episode of the upcoming Bionic Woman remake. This is supposed to be newsworthy.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve said “fag” and “gay” and “you dumb gay fag” a few more times than I probably should have, but still — I at least had the decency to tell my son I was sorry afterwards. Isaiah Washington has no such class, but every media outlet on the planet seems to think that his guest appearance on the Bionic Woman remake is some sort of earth-shattering role. If by “earth-shattering” you mean “one of his last,” then I’ll wholeheartedly agree.

Why? Because they actually want Britney Spears to host the opening of their new nightclub, Us reports. The Egyptian-themed hotel’s new club, LAX, will open on August 31st and Spears will be there to ostensibly fuck things up and make everyone involved look stupid.

Granted, the Luxor isn’t exactly the best hotel in Vegas — it’s only about half a step better than Circus Circus — but they honestly couldn’t get anyone better? Someone with an actual career, who hasn’t spent the majority of the past few months bald, talentless, and insane? Christ, they could have hired Dustin Diamond and probably gotten an equally entertaining club opening. Or did he turn it down?

But evidently, they weren’t enough to make him go apeshit and kill his kid and wife, so we’re back to square one. Us Magazine reports that he was on testosterone, painkillers, and anti-anxiety drugs when he bodyslammed his child to death and strangled his wife before hanging himself.

Not only that, but Benoit’s wife, Nancy, was on hydrocodone and Xanax, and Chris’s son’s body also contained high levels of Xanax.

Yet the amount of testosterone in Benoit’s body was not enough to get him into a Roid Rage, so for now, police are more or less stumped as to why Benoit went apeshit. I’m going to go ahead and side with Occam’s Razor and assume that Benoit was a stupid, insane asshole whose life of constant simulated violence and drugs turned him into a fuckhead murderer. That, or this is all just a ploy to trick his enemy Macho Man Randy Savage into thinking he’s dead, so a week from now Benoit can rise from the grave and duel him in a NO-HOLDS-BARRED CAGE MATCH IN PURGATORY. OOOOOOOOH YEEEEEEUH!