Celebrity Death Cab

Yeah, I know. I was surprised, too.

Us Magazine reports that a l33t h4×0r may have broken into Lindsay Lohan’s computer and stolen some nude pictures taken of her by ex-boyfriend Callum Best.

According to Lindsay and ostensibly reprinted by the dude who runs Celebslam.com, someone took the pictures from her hard drive and left a note on her desktop saying that the pictures had been forwarded to several different celebrity gossip websites (not including us, unfortunately).

I’m not sure what’s odder — the fact that this news is so incredibly unsurprising or the fact that, despite all of that, I’m still sort of interested in it. We’ve all seen Lindsay’s tits and vajayjay separately thanks to countless paparazzi shots of the intoxicated child star, and she’s nowhere near as hot as she used to be, but still — the promise of completely nude pictures of the chick who was once in Mean Girls remains undeniably appealing.

The Humane Society of the United States is pissed off at Britney Spears, who was recently seen buying a dog from a pet store.

According to the Humane Society (and reported by Us),

“Most dogs sold in pet stores come from puppy mills — factory-like facilities, churning out purebred and “designer” puppies in large numbers…Every time someone purchases a dog from a pet store, they risk perpetuating the horrendous business of puppy mills.”

The society is also terrified at the idea of any living creature having to depend solely on Britney Spears for food and care:

“Choosing a dog is a major lifestyle decision that should not be taken lightly.”

So, in other words, Britney is being called out for not knowing what the fuck she was doing when she bought the dog, in addition to not knowing how the fuck to take care of anything. It’s one thing to have the media and your fans criticize you about stuff like this, but when you have the fucking Humane Society personally calling you out as a retarded, neglectful douchebag, then you, my friend, have managed to hit a brand-new low. 

And yes, I’m aware that the above is a picture of Britney with one of her other dogs, taken from several months back when she still had hair. I couldn’t find any spectacularly high-res pictures of a wig-wearing Britney buying her new dog — and if you were me, would you really want to?

Following his racial-slur spouting tirade a few months back, Michael Richards has more or less stayed out of the limelight. This might have come as a surprise had Michael Richards actually spent any time in the limelight after the end of Seinfeld, but still: what little career Richards had was made that much more worse when he decided to call a couple of hecklers the n-word over and over and over.

And as such, IMDb reports, the man who would be Kramer is currently visiting Cambodia and talking to Hindu monks, ostensibly to accomplish several things: to (A) get his name in the papers again, (B) possibly get some help from God as to how to save his career, and (C) make people think he is deep and has truly repented for his racist actions.

Sorry, Mike, but it doesn’t work like that — you don’t make up for insulting one race by exclusively hanging out with another. You can’t walk into a Chinese restaurant, pull the skin on your face back, and yell “CHING CHONG CHING CHANG” and then run straight to Harlem and beatbox with a couple of black dudes to make up for it. Honestly, I think the poor guy is trying too hard: even if he somehow does recover from his racist rant (which he won’t), people still won’t give two shits about him. Sorry, dude — you probably shouldn’t have passed on Monk when you had the chance, huh?

IMDb reports that the LA Sheriff’s department has launched an investigation into whether or not Paris Hilton recieved preferential treatment during her stay in jail, following allegations that Hilton was given her own cordless phone instead of having to wait in line to use a payphone with all the other inmates, that she recieved a brand-new jail uniform instead of a recycled one like all the other inmates get, and if she had her mail hand-delivered to her by a captain instead of an inmate.

So as to save the fine folks at the LA Sheriff’s department a great deal of time, money, and trouble, I will answer the question posed in the headline as clearly and succinctly as I can:

OF

COURSE

SHE

FUCKING

WAS.

For two reasons: firstly, because she married Jerry O’Connell this last week, and secondly, because at their wedding, not only were their dogs present, but the dogs were also dressed up (against their will, presumably) in black bow ties.

Why do “hot” and “crazy” so frequently have to go together? Why couldn’t she have married an even-tempered guy with a career (O’Connell has a notorious reputation for being completely looney, and not necessarily in a charming way)? Furthermore, why drag the poor dogs into it? They probably know more about how the damn marriage will end than you two do.