Celebrity Death Cab

And this is coming from the country that used to be made up of Nazis, mind you. They fucking know crazy assholes when they see them. Reuters reports that Germany has banned the producers of the upcoming WWII film Valkyrie from filming at German military sites, so long as Tom Cruise is playing the lead.

Tom Cruise will portray Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg, the German leader of an unsuccessful attempt to assassinate Hitler in 1944. The German government was pleasantly direct in explaining why they didn’t want Cruise there: they essentially called it a money-grubbing “cult,” and that the government refuses to honor it as a religion. Germany’s extreme sense of Aryan guilt instilled a deep sense of pride in the real-life Claus von Stauffenberg, and to see him portrayed by a four-foot maniac cult member would be understandably upsetting. Tom Cruise was unavailable for comment, ostensibly because he was force-feeding Katie Holmes diet pills and covering himself in chocolate syrup.

After her release, Hilton also gave her lawyer this sketch and accompanying letter, addressed to TMZ writer Harvey Levin. Evidently, Levin didn’t jump on the “Paris Hilton is a stupid cunt and desrves to be sexually disfigured during her time in the klink” bandwagon, which, to Paris, meant he was deserving of a crude drawing of herself (looking like a Barbie doll) with Harvey Levin’s picture on the TV.

I know girls who used to write notes like these in high school, but they usually enclosed a separate page that read, “I like you, do you like me? (Check one) [ ] Yes [ ] No”. Except when I say “high school,” I mean “kindergarten.” And when I say “girls,” I mean “me.”

And not just in the conventional sense — she’s been let out of prison, as well.

Hide your children, stay away from clubs, and don’t, under any circumstances, go outside. She’ll likely be drunk-driving again before next Tuesday. She evidently lost some weight (about ten pounds), and I can’t really tell if this picture of her thanking the heavens is knowingly ironic, or just more evidence that Paris is a goddamn retard. “Thank you, God, for rewarding my consistent stupidity and drunk driving by giving my parents lots and lots of money so they can control portions of the California judicial system! Thank you!”

There was a time when any man in American would have cut off a finger to sleep with Demi Moore.

Those times have passed.

This picture of Demi, taken as she exited her NYC hotel last Saturday, show two very important, scientifically relevant things:

A. Demi Moore looks like hell

B. Demi Moore’s breasts, once a point of interest, have since become oddly horrifying when unsupported by a bra

Seriously, the transformation the woman underwent from the 90’s to this year has been nothing short of terrifying. She looks like the Nazi dude who drinks from the wrong Grail at the end of the last Indiana Jones film: suddenly aging 50 years in the span of five seconds. Granted, the Nazi guy never had to watch his once-firm breasts sink and become flaccid, but the simile stands.

NSFW after the jump.

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Or at least, she doesn’t say it. The National Ledger reports Jolie’s revelation that  “I don’t think we’ve ever said [I love you] …I mean, I’m sure we have, but we would have to punch each other in the arm first.”

Far be it from me to criticize two people who seem legitimately cool (if frighteningly over-zealous in the sociopolitical arena), but isn’t that, I dunno, weird?

First have a great deal of sex, then adopt eight hundred babies, then campaign against pretty much every political problem known to man, then maybe tell the person you’ve done all these things with that you kind-of-sort-of love them? Considering Angelina had a goddamn vial of Billy Bob Thornton’s blood around her neck when they were dating, it’s kind of hard to believe that she’s incapable of telling Pitt she loves him. Unless there’s something else, of course. This entire marriage could be an evil liberal conspiracy to get the two most attractive people in Hollywood talking about the same shit — if Brad and Angelina both want gays to marry, how can the world possibly say no?

And that picture has nothing to do with the story, but can you think of a legitimate reason to not post pictures of Angelina Jolie kissing other women whenever possible?