The Least Surprising News Story You Will Read In Your Life

lindsay lohan jeremy piven party The Least Surprising News Story You Will Read In Your Life 

Remember during Memorial Day, when Lindsay Lohan crashed her car and the cops found a bag of coke in it, but every single media outlet on the planet was uncharacteristically quick to say “But it wasn’t found on Lindsay,” thereby implying that she hadn’t been taking it?

Well, she was.

TMZ reports that Lindsay was indeed drunk, and coked out of her mind when she smashed her car into a curb this last Memorial Day. Lindsay had twice the legal limit of alcohol in her system, along with traces of cocaine and (I’m assuming) jizz.

Quite frankly, I’m waiting for I Know Who Killed Me to come out and destroy Lohan’s career for good — based on the trailers, it looks like an absolutely horrendous sexploitation flick where Lohan tries her best to “act,” whilst simultaneously attempting to distract the viewer from her coke-snorting, BJ-giving lifestyle by playing a coke-snorting, BJ-giving stripper. Three cheers for fiction!

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