Celebrity Death Cab

So, this is weird: Fox News reports that Wikipedia users from Stamford, Connecticut and somewhere in Australia both attempted to post information regarding Nancy Benoit’s death to Chris Benoit’s Wikipedia entry more than thirteen hours before her body was officially found.

The Stamford user attempted to post: “Chris Benoit was replaced by [Johnny Nitro] for the ECW Championship match at Vengeance, as Benoit was not there due to personal issues, stemming from the death of his wife Nancy.”

It was immediately taken down by a moderator, citing the fact that no news source to speak of had reported Benoit’s death at that point in time. An hour after that, an Australian user posted essentially the same news to the same entry, which was again taken down.

What the hell is going on? Either several unreliable sites found out about Nancy’s death before the police did and these separate Wikipedia users both happened to see the news, or someone with inside information about the murders just up and decided to post about them to Wikipedia after using HideMyAss to mask his location. Or these two Wikipedia users can tell the future, in which case we should bring them in for questioning so they can help us build a time machine and give us lottery numbers and shit.

Either way: creepy.

Remember during Memorial Day, when Lindsay Lohan crashed her car and the cops found a bag of coke in it, but every single media outlet on the planet was uncharacteristically quick to say “But it wasn’t found on Lindsay,” thereby implying that she hadn’t been taking it?

Well, she was.

TMZ reports that Lindsay was indeed drunk, and coked out of her mind when she smashed her car into a curb this last Memorial Day. Lindsay had twice the legal limit of alcohol in her system, along with traces of cocaine and (I’m assuming) jizz.

Quite frankly, I’m waiting for I Know Who Killed Me to come out and destroy Lohan’s career for good — based on the trailers, it looks like an absolutely horrendous sexploitation flick where Lohan tries her best to “act,” whilst simultaneously attempting to distract the viewer from her coke-snorting, BJ-giving lifestyle by playing a coke-snorting, BJ-giving stripper. Three cheers for fiction!

Notice anything strange about the cover from this week’s Us Weekly? And not just the fact that Suri Cruise, the mutated offspring of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes is on the cover? Well, try looking in the upper left-hand corner. It appears that Us Weekly has now vowed not to report on any more Paris Hilton stories in their printed issues ever again. In this case, of course, “ever again” means “unless sales figures start to drop,” in which case Us will likely feature a two-page spread of Paris’s vag.

Granted, Us’s website will still update with regular Paris Hilton news, but as the site states, “While we’re happy to provide you with work-avoiding Paris Hilton stories all day long here at Usmagazine.com, we realize that Paris, like paperwork, is not something you want to take home with you.”

This is absolutely true, but I also don’t like paperwork when I’m not at home. Why the hell not just get rid of Paris altogether? It’s one thing for small celeb gossip sites like us to report on Paris stupidity, but it’s another for an established celeb gossip rag to give any attention to the lazy-eyed wonder.

Looks like he’s not a hero after all — WWE pulled all of its Chris Benoit tributes from TV and the Internet after it was discovered that, instead of the deaths resulting from some horrible accident or murder by an outside party, Chris Benoit strangled his wife and suffocated his child, then hanged himself.

District Attorney Scott Ballard called the murder of the seven year old child “bizarre,” and CNN is already blaiming “roid rage” for the deaths. Still, WWE reports that the evidence found at the crime scene involves “deliberation, not rage,” meaning that one of two possibilities exist:

1. Chris Benoit went apeshit insane

2. Chris Benoit was a fucking asshole

Either way, WWE fans can now stop typing poorly-constructed sentences in tribute of what a “hero” he was.

Let’s consider a hypothetical possibility: you’re an ex-pop star. You used to be great, now you suck. You keep pushing back your album because you’re an untalented sack of shit who gained way too much weight, and to top it all off, Paris Hilton — a younger, skinnier, dumber version of you — just got released out of jail and is now getting all the attention. What is a moronic, overweight ex-idol like Britney Spears to do?

Well, you can always go into a clothing shop, make sure at least one photographer is on you, and then “accidentally” step out of the dressing room completely naked for a  few seconds.  Or you could kill yourself. Unfortunately, Britney chose the former.